As defined before, this is a place for mind dumping of words that need to come out. I am totally at my mind’s whim. It usually goes that way with blogging, but I’ve accepted it and can’t promise that I’ll keep up on this blog as I should. Anyway, enough chitchat. Here’s something that came to me. A realization as some might call. Something has clicked inside my head.
I have been told that I am anal. Slightly neurotic. But always a hard-worker. Looking back, I realize I do put a lot of pressure onto myself. I have high expectations for myself that are almost to the point of being unreasonable. After a lot of personal self-reflection, I might have come to the source of why I do this.
I think very highly about my peers and when I see them excel or accomplish something I haven’t, my bar of expectations is subconsciously raised. That’s one more thing in my life I haven’t accomplished and now I’m behind in this rat race we call life. I never really thought of myself as being competitive when it came to others but now that I see that what we do today shapes our tomorrows, my mind is constantly pointing out my flaws and shortcomings and it gets me down very easily.
These first couple of weeks of student teaching has opened my eyes as I am finally seeing the theories and hypotheticals I’ve been toying with for the past two and half years of schooling come to life. Here’s the catch I’m finally realizing: things that work in a college classroom or in paper sometimes doesn’t lend itself well in the real world. Here is where I feel it becomes easy to become extremely discouraged.
When things don’t work out as planned or expected, I immediately assume it’s my fault. Things could have gone better if only I had thought something out more or I didn’t perform to the best of my abilities. And that’s how I felt my first week teaching. I could feel the idea of me being a full-time teacher slipping away and the dream might no longer be a reality after some days of not getting the results in the classroom that I wanted. It was hard for me to accept compliments and praise from friends and loved ones because they couldn’t see the things I did in the classroom. I thought, “If only they saw me up there and were sitting in my students’ seats, then they’ll know how bad I am and how I don’t deserve to be a teacher.”
But today, something clicked. It was a culmination of things said and read and done that made me realize that it’s not right for me to blame myself for things going wrong. Even now as I type this out, I feel like I’m making excuses for myself but I shouldn’t have to. Maybe things were supposed to work out this way and it wasn’t in my hand of cards to be the change that I wanted to be in the classroom.
The important thing for me now is to breathe. Take it one day at a time. Focus on the good things in my day. Appreciate the opportunities I’ve been given up til now. Relish in the little things in life. I just need to use my time wisely to plan for myself and for those that rely on me. Things will work out. Maybe not as planned, but life will still go on as if it didn’t happen.
I’ve already come this far and I can’t give up now.